Monday, July 8, 2013

weekend in wyoming

June 22nd 2013- We drove to Wyoming to see my beautiful cousin get married.  While we there I asked my sister who is an amazing photographer if we could run out and take a few pictures before baby C was born.  It was such a fun relaxing morning.  We drove on a road we probably were not  allowed to drive on, walked through cacti and watched the sky waiting for it to down pour on us.  Half way through taking pictures we were interrupted by some cowboys herding their cows.  It was a typical Wyoming weekend.  I remember holding my belly being so excited to take pictures to capture this amazing part of my life.  I LOVE pregnant bellies.  I think they are so beautiful and shouldn't be hidden away.  At the wedding I had person after person tell me I was going to go into labor there.  Being around family who was excited to share in our happiness.  It was a perfect weekend. 

Never in my life would I have thought just 3 days later I would be finding out news that would change my life.

I have had friends who have lost babies before they were born.  I have read other blogs similar to mine watching how hard it was on there families and the struggles they went through.  I have always wondered (and still do with my own child)  how is it that someone can love someone so much that they have never met?  How can there lives be changed and there heart be broken if they have never met this baby.  Never held them in their arms.  Never kissed there forehead.  I don't think it is something that you can really explain.  I have never met this little girl and yet she has completely consumed my thoughts in the last two weeks.  My heart feels like it is being ripped out of my chest and i know nothing about her.  I don't even know how to explain or justify these emotions to myself let alone to other people. 

Laying in the hotel tonight flipping through channels I stopped on Lifetime.  They were playing "my sisters keeper".  One of my favorite books.  I was never able to relate to the story before, just one of those make you cry kind of movies.  Watching it tonight realizing that that could be our new reality.  In and out of hospitals.  Always wondering when our next emergency is going to be.  Is A going to rebel against us to get attention?  Will B feel like she is not getting the attention she should have?  What is it going to be like living in and out of a hospital?  This waiting game is SO hard.  I just want to go into labor, meet our beautiful baby and know what the outcome is going to be.  Know what kind of life we are going to be looking at.  Whether that's a life of hospitals or a life of sorrow; knowing that we had to bury one of our children. 

This sucks.  Anyway you look at this, it sucks.  Im trying to be strong and I know there is a reason for everything, but why cant our future plans have one good option.  Why cant there be a chance of her heart just fixing itself??  Its not fair.

Two weeks ago my biggest problem was trying to balance work and home life.  Now I am wondering how I am going to balance work home and hospital life.  You can do this Ken.. be strong for your family