Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I am here for you!

7:30 a.m. rolls around and I have Kendra jumping up and down on me telling me to wake up, it's time to have a baby.  At first I thought that she meant she was going into labor, but then I realized it was more of an excited voice, and not so much of a "get up or I shall kill you" voice.

7:35 a.m. As I got out of bed, I staggered to the bathroom where I blasted the shower. I sat in the shower and let the water run down my head like a rainstorm. It felt so relaxing and was a great way to start the morning. As the water ran down my face it all hit me at once exactly what "today" was. In the next 24 hours, my life will be changing so fast, and there was nothing I could do to stop the storm. A feeling of panic started to take over, but then as quick as it came, it was gone. A feeling of calm, relaxed, and excitement replaced its spot in my head. It felt as though the water running over my head was spiked with energy, excitement, yet a hint of calm and it was absorbing into my skin.

I got out of the shower and got dressed and ready for the morning. I head to the lobby with Kendra and began to eat my breakfast before we are able to take off on our journey. Looking across the table into Kendra's eyes, I can see a fierce battle being fought before my very eyes. I can hear excitement in her tone, a twinkle in her eyes, yet worry in her smile and fear in her gaze, the rest of her expressions are expressions of the unknown. I quickly dig deep and trying to think of something to say to comfort her and help her feel as relaxed and calm as I do, but I had nothing. I felt helpless and I hated that feeling almost as much as I hated seeing her that way. This is supposed to be a time of happiness and joy, however this time it feels anything but. Feeling helpless, not being able to continue seeing her that way and no plan to sooth her fears, I look back to my eggs and potatoes and continue to stir them around.

8:20 a.m. is on the clock and it is time to go. We take a few pictures outside the hotel for a last minute memory. I pull the car around and we are off to the hospital.  During the 10 minute drive to the hospital, the sun light is refreshing, there is that wonderful feeling of a fresh summer morning and it feels good, very good in fact. The drive is mostly silent and there is that obvious feeling of consternation and it is obvious why. Arriving at the hospital I park the car and we start the walk to the doors.

8:40 we are in our room where the birth will take place. Kendra gets into her gown and lays in the bed, I sit in the chair and looking at Kendra, I behold a sight that is all too familiar to me.  As I take in a deep breath and look around, I take note of the large fridge in the room stocked full of medical supplies, liquids, and other miscellaneous packaged items. The hospital bed is at ready, I.V tube holders around the bed, and a small window in the wall that connects the delivery room to the NICU to get Capri to the right set of hands with no time to spare.  My mind begins to run on auto pilot as I feel as though I have no control over my thoughts and feelings. The last 2 weeks of my life have been filled with worrying, wondering, hoping, downright demanding answers as to what is happening, I need to know, I need answers, and today, I will get them. It is at that moment I realize this is real, this is happening and today is the day. The feeling of having such a life changing event, especially one involving a little girl I have come to love so much, I feel as though she is relying on ME, her dad to make her all better because she can't. How do I tell her, how do I tell myself in a way to help her and I understand that there is not a damn thing I can do to fix it, to help Kendra, to fix the damage being done to myself?  Anyone who is a husband and or a father can understand my feelings that it is my job to protect my family, to fight the battles they can't, there is nothing daddy can't fix right? well up until this point there has always been a way to provide that security to them and show them their thoughts are right. Not being able to fix something, especially something like this, I cannot help but feel as though I am letting them down, I am letting myself down, and most importantly I am letting Capri down when she needs me the most, when my family needs me the most. Describing those feelings would never be possible as I cannot even describe them to myself in a way to make that will ever be able to make sense of them.

9:10 .a.m. We have now met with several medical staff and went over more information, procedures, as well as Q&A. Friends and family are starting to arrive at the room and the tension is starting to disperse. All is going well until I look over at Kendra and she has tears running down her face. Asking if she is ok, she turns and begins to read a Facebook post from my sister-in-law Jairan. As Kendra finish's reading the post, the room is calm, silent, emotional and there is not a dry eye in the room. It was a wonderful post that brought tears of happiness which I have not experienced in far too long, it feels so comforting to know there are so many people that care about Kendra and have helped out so much and been there to help physically and emotionally, and I have the deepest gratitude possible.

 12:30 p.m. We are still here waiting, finishing up some pictures that are being provided by an organization called "Now I lay me down to sleep". The mood is much better in here as the feeling and scenery has sunk in. My mother has arrived, Kendra's sister, brother and mother are here and it is starting to feel, well..... comfortable.