Woke up today to the sound of my wife letting me know I only had 15 minutes until breakfast was closing for the morning. I knew I should get up and go eat something, but I could not find the energy or will power to remove myself from the comfort of my bed and return back to.. well... Life. As I reopen my eyes, I see that Kendra has brought me some breakfast from the lobby. I pull myself to a "lowest setting poolside lounge chair" position and ate my breakfast, and it was actually pretty good for not being that hungry. As I finish up my breakfast I laid my head back down to the sound of the TV on in the background. Again I find my eyes trying to focus as I am opening them again sometime later. As I look around I notice that Kendra and Baylee have fallen back to sleep as well, I realize there is only 1 thing to do. It did not take long to tell myself that I did not want to wake Baylee up before she is ready to wake up. I mean what kind of father would I be if I did not let my daughter get the sleep she so desperately needs? If I get out of bed, what if I step on a toy that makes noise, what if I trip and pull the dresser over and wake her up? After I realized I had to do what a good father should do I closed my eyes and was off to the place I have become fond of over the last few weeks. I do not recall any dream specifics, only a few flashes of something here or there.
Amazing how life changes so fast and how my normal routine is now so different. I used to hate sleeping too late as I feel I am cheating myself from getting stuff done. I only have so much time in the day and there is no point in sleeping it away. However lately, I rather enjoy my bed time, and the clock is just a box with strange symbols on it that should have been designed to emit less light as I often mistake it for the early morning sun glow. It is the only place that I have no thoughts, worries, fears, or tears and that to me right now is priceless. It is one place I feel as though there is not a worry in the world, and everything could not be better. However when I wake up from my perfect world, sometimes it makes it harder to return to reality since the last 7 hours were so emotionless. Now that I have explained to you how my brain works I guess I can stop ranting on.
It is what it is and then I realize that being awake is a good thing. The more time I am awake, the more time I can spend with Capri. Even though I cannot see, hear, or hold her, I do know she is there with us and she can hear me! Nobody really knows how much time I will get with my daughter, so I really do not want to take any B.B (before birth) time for granted.
However I realize that I have quite the predicament to deal with. I want to spend all the time I can with my family as they are my everything, however I also need to have some time to recharge. Sadly the way that I recharge is by doing what I love to do which most times involves me, myself and I. Being alone while I work on my hobbies, my boat, build or fix something, or just browse a store full of ideas, and future projects like home depot. As I walk the isle, or work on a project, my imagination leaves the current events behind and is transformed into thoughts bursting with energy, happiness, and creativity, my mind is able to feel as though life is normal. I become so focused on my projects, there is no room for worries, fears, or any other kind of negative energy. It is this "me time" that is one of the only places I can turn my emotions off, and just be me. Do I take the "me" time, and return energized and mentally relaxed, or do I hold off for now, and spend every moment I can with Capri while she is right here, right now?
Well tried to test it out today as I got to take a bit of recharge time when I went to the marine store with my friend Alex. We drove to the marine store and I picked up a few small parts for the boat. Walking into the store it felt so good again. The sight, the feel, the smell, and the energy was amazing to say the least. After we were there for about 10 minutes, I was on my way back to the Mall to give Kendra the car seat for Baylee. It was short lived, but it was just enough to make a difference. Kendra and I took the kids to the gateway for a family night out that was very much needed by everyone as we saw Despicable Me 2. The kids laughed, Kendra and I laughed and had a great time at the movie. I never thought there would come a time where a day of having 10 minutes of me time and taking the kids to a movie would be the highlight of my day, let alone be able to call it a "perfect day", but here I sit thinking just that. Today was one of the first days in weeks I have had a lot of happy feelings, and almost no pain or moments where I feel as though I am breaking down minute by minute. Today in 3 words, relaxing, positive, normalcy