surgery

I woke up this morning to a phone call from the NICU.  Capri had been unstable for 30 minutes, her oxygen not able to get above 60.  They had put her back on the prostaglandin and would be taking her in for surgery that afternoon. 
Last night i couldnt sleep.  I tost and turned and finally fell asleep around 4.  Between the lack of sleep and the aweful phone call my mood was not so great.  I was agitated with my children and i didnt want to talk to anyone.  I went back to sleep for a few hours so that i could think more clearly.
We got to the NICU just as they were bringing Capri back to her room.  The cardiologist told us they were able to insert a cathader into her leg and bring it up to the pulmanary valve. Once there they inflated a balloon and expanded the artery from 1 milameter to 8.  They wanted to insert another cath into her other valve to block it and see how the heart did but her body couldnt handle it.  She became very unstable.  They shocked her heart with an enternal device. Nothing.  They shocked her with the paddles and her heart stabalized.  When he told me they had to shock her heart I started crying.  My poor little girl. 8 days old and having something already so tramatic happen to her.  I wish i could just protect her from all of this.

As we were sitting by her bedside we noticed her oxygen was in the mid 90s.   Since she has been born she has never made it into the 90s.  and it was staying there. . for hours.  The cardiologist came back in and did an echo her blood was flowing through the artery! There is a chance that worked and she will be ok with out the medicine now.  We will take her off the prostaglandin again tommorow barring nothing bad happens tonight.  If she can function well on her own with the PDA valve closed we will get to take her home in the next couple of weeks.  If her stats drop again and she has to be re put on the meds we are close to the end of the road.  The dr said at that point we can do a High risk surgery because her valves just arnt firm enough.  "It would be like sewing wet tissue paper" the outcome is not great.  Or we talk about quality of life and decide that its time to let her go. 

So if any of you are still praying, meditating, rubbing rocks, doing rain dances.. whatever you do to help miracles happen we need you right now.  Help her valve close and her heart do what it needs to do. 

My emotions have been all over the place today.  My phone is my sanctuary.  if im looking at it then people wont talk to me.  Again im not trying to be rude so please dont take it that way i just cant handle the questions of "how are you doing"  "are you holding up ok" No.. im not. And i wont be until i know whats for sure happening with Capri.  So i lose myself in my phone and tune out the world.  I cant look at people in the eyes anymore.  even strangers on the street.  i look at them and start crying.  So i keep my head down and say over and over in my head.. things are going to be okay... i am going to be okay. 

ps i took my sleeping pill about 30 minutes before writing this blog and my eyes can not focus on the screen so i appoligize in advance for all of the mispellings cause i am quite certain there is a lot :)