coming home

Today was bittersweet.  It was my last day at the hospital and the first day I have been home in 3 weeks.  I get to be at home with 2 of my children and it is such a great feeling having them lay here beside me.  On the other-hand, I had to leave a part of me at the hospital.  My 3rd child, my precious baby is there all alone.  Without mom or dad.  I remember every detail of bringing A and B home.  The excitement of dressing them in there take home outfit, strapping them in there car-seat, the wheelchair ride to the car.  The drive home with both of them was filled with excitement and fear of wondering if I was ready to do this.  All of the middle of the night feedings, trying to heal myself while taking care of a newborn.  The trip home today was filled with tears in both mike and my eyes, sadness and silence.  What if she becomes unstable in the middle of the night?  We live an hour away from the hospital. what if we don't get there in time? 

This morning was a hard day in the NICU.  Every other day we have had nurses who have been so amazing.  Willing to do whatever we needed to help us feel more comfortable and understand what is going on with our baby.  The nurse today did not have the same attitude.  She took the blanket that Capri had been wrapped in since she was born to the laundry.  We had a note right next to her crib to keep her blanket because the Angel Watch foundation was going to turn it into a teddy bear for us.  We had an emotional attachment to that blanket.  It meant something to me.  She was very short with her answers to every question we had and finally she wouldn't let my sister come back and take pictures of washing Capri's hair for the first time. I cant imagine how stressful it must be to be a nurse in the NICU but I hope to God Capri never has a nurse like her again.  I don't do well with people who arn't friendly.

It is taking every ounce of energy I have to have conversations with people right now and be somewhat normal.  Part of me just wants to crawl in bed and lay there all day.  To pull the covers over my head and pretend like the rest of the world doesnt exist.  Getting up and talking to anyone but my husband is so difficult.  My best friend who is one of the most important people in the world to me has had to sit by while i dont text her back.  She comes to visit and i try to talk but i just dont have the words.  I dont know what to say and i dont have the energy to try.  My family surrounds me and is so supportive but i feel like i am just watching everyone else in there world.  Like i am standing outside the window watching in.  But thats where i want to be right now.  Im not ready to walk inside and be a part of things yet.  So please bear with me as you come to visit.  I love you and am so grateful for all of my wonderful friends family and neighbors.  I am just not ready yet.. and i dont think i will be anytime soon.