2 weeks old

Capri is 2 weeks old today!  I came into the hospital room this afternoon to see her dressed in pajamas and rocking in a swing.  It is amazing how far we have come in these last two weeks.  As I sat and talked with the nurse she reminded me of how lucky we are.  She told me that every nurse and dr in the NICU is amazed at how well Capri is doing.  She wasn't supposed to be this healthy. They cant understand why she is doing so good.  Again, tears of joy fell from face as i looked at my little miracle baby.  They took her completely off her Nitric oxide today.  Her lungs are strong enough to breathe on there own.  Her oxygen is down to 20% and her feedings are up to 30ccs.  Once she gets to 40 she will be able to start taking medicine that will help her liver to function normally then we just wait for her to gain weight and show us that she can digest her food.

4 weeks ago I prayed to a God who I haven't prayed to since I was in high school and my parents told me too.  I talked to him about Capri and how scared i was and how desperately i wanted to see her alive, if even for a moment.  I remember pleading with him to just give me 2 weeks.  In 2 weeks i could hold her, talk to her and tell her how much her mommy and daddy loved her.  If she had to go back to heaven i could handle it if he just gave me two weeks.  I know that this is a silly thing to worry about, but I cant get it out of my head. Tomorrow am I going to go to the hospital and see that she is back in that critical state.  How does God work?  I bargained with him for 2 weeks.. what if thats really all i get?

My body is so tired.  I am trying so hard to split my time and be everywhere that I need to be.  Spending time in the morning with A and B, then driving the hour to the hospital.  We usually grab food to eat on the road.  Once we get to the hospital i bring the kids back to see Capri then have a family member sit with them in the waiting room or the play room while i spend time with Capri.  Then i switch with the family member so they can spend time with her while i go to the play area.  Every 4 hours i have to find a place to go pump because Capri cant breast feed and most likely never will.  By now Mike is just getting to the hospital and the kids have had enough.  They are so done with having to go to the hospital everyday.  They just want to stay home.   Another hour in the car and we get home just in time to take baths and go to bed.  The next day we repeat.  At night by the time i have pumped and written in the blog Mike is already asleep.  I wish i could just pause time so we could have a minute for the 2 of us.

My mother in law is going home tomorrow then I am truly on my own.  No family member coming with me to the hospital everyday, to help me split the cost of driving and food.  It will just be the 5 of us.  I know we will be fine and will figure it out, we always do but i would be lying if i said i wasn't a little worried.  B is attached to my hip right now and wants nothing to do with a babysitter.  I think she is worried i am going to leave for a week again.  As much as i want our lives to be on hold i know things have to continue on. Mike will need to start traveling again next month, the kids both start preschool next month and eventually i will need to go back to work as well.  For now though i am taking one breath at a time and pretending like everything is okay.