Tuesday, July 23, 2013

bittersweet

Today is bittersweet.  My mom went home today.  She has been next to my side since June 26th, by my bedside at the hospital, taking care of my children when i couldn't.  Sitting with me being scared, holding my hand and telling me whatever happens that it would be okay.  Then she stayed in a cramped hotel room with us and letting both kids sleep in her bed so Mike and I could be together.  She sat in my hospital room for 14 hours watching me go through labor not knowing what the outcome of our precious baby would be, waited all night to just get a glimpse of Capri before they rushed her to the NICU.  For the two weeks Capri has been alive she has  driven me the hour and a half to the hospital  every day, filled my fridge and pantry with food to last us a month, and again been there to hold my hand through every terrifying moment.
I know that everyone says they have the best mom but I really do.  Not many people are willing to drop everything going on in there life and be there for as long as you need them.  For my dads sake however I am glad she is going home.  I cant imagine how much he misses her and how hard it has been running his business alone. My mom holds everyone together.

For the good news:  We got to the hospital around noon and stopped at the cafeteria to get lunch before heading up to let the grandmas say goodbye to Capri.  ( All of my grandmothers drove the 8 hour drive to come and see Capri for a few days, including my 96 year old great grandmother).  Just as we were finishing, my husband surprised us at the hospital.  It was a great surprise, having him around always makes the day just a little bit brighter.  We headed over to the NICU and Mike and A went in first.  10 minutes later Mike came back and told me i needed to come back alone.  My heart was in my throat.   I knew i shouldn't have said anything yesterday.  I had jinxed her.  She had gotten worse.  I quickly scrubbed in and headed back to the room.  When i got there i saw all of the nurses grinning from ear to ear.  I looked at my baby and the intubation tube was gone.  She was breathing on her own.  My baby.. the one who had a 5% chance of living was breathing on her own.  She was calm.  She wasn't struggling, her oxygen levels were not going up and down, she was stable.  I can not describe to you the joy in my heart when i saw her.  Its not a fluke.. my baby is gonna be okay.  She did it.

A is struggling more and more each day with leaving Capri at the hospital.  He doesn't like to spend long in Capris room, about 10 minutes or so.  When it is time to leave however, he doesn't like it.  He went back into her room to tell her goodbye and the tears started flowing down his face.  It was a silent cry, his lip trembling as he laid his head on my shoulder.  I asked him what was wrong and he told me he just didn't want to leave his sister.  he wanted her to come home and sleep in his room so he could take care of her.  It is so hard to see Capri in the hospital but it is just as hard to watch A and B suffer and not understand why there baby doesn't get to come home.  They don't understand why there cousin got to go home after he was born, the neighbors baby got to go home after he was born but our baby doesn't.  I wish i could keep them away from all this pain.  I want to protect my children from every bad thing that comes there way but there is nothing i can do here. We just have to face it and adjust to our new life of being in a car 3 hours a day, spending 3-6 hours at a hospital, and only being home long enough to sleep and eat breakfast.