Thursday, July 4, 2013

going back to work

Not much to report today.  Trying to live as normal a life as possible before our world turns upside down.  Doing better at pushing emotions down and trying to avoid them.  I had a small melt down while watching the kids play at a play place in McDonalds this afternoon however.  I am worried about going back to work.  When I introduce myself to my classes I always tell them my name, how long I have worked at Chrysalis and a little bit about myself.  Well my kids are a huge part of my life.  So moving forward, when Capri goes back to heaven what do I say?  I don't have 2 kids I have 3.  But the following question is always, oh how fun, how old are they?  Then do I say 3, 5 and one who passed away?  Do I make every single one of my classes have that awkward silence of not knowing what to say?  When people have answered that same question with that same response I have always wondered why they even say they have 3, why not just 2?  But I cant say 2, that would make it seem like she didn't exist, or I don't love her. 
In my classes I only see the same people twice a year.  Once for SOAR and once for CPR.  So the last 9 months of classes I have been telling people I am pregnant and we are not finding out the sex of the baby.   How many times am I going to have to relieve this memory and this heart breaking story?  How many people are going to remember it was a surprise and ask me what the baby was.  Do I tell them she passed away or just say she was a girl and hope they don't ask any more questions?  I am barely hanging on right now, I'm not sure I can re-live telling this story for the next year over and over again.
On the flip side, I work for a company that takes care of people with disabilities.  People who had parents in a very similar situation to me at one time or another.  Maybe this will help me to grow in my company because I have first hand experience.  I can share my story with staff to help them understand what it feels like to be a mom in this situation and why it is so important to help them live everyday to the fullest.  Because you just never know when they are going to take there last breath.  You cant take anything for granted and say you will do it tomorrow.  Your tomorrow may never come