Tuesday, July 2, 2013

freezing time

Mike had to go back to work today.  When I woke up I was alone.  Left with my thoughts, worries and hopes to circle over and over again in my head. Today was a hard day.  I woke up sad.  I didn't really have a specific thing I was sad about, just sad.  I tried to go back to sleep until my mom and sister brought the kids to see me. They can always make me happy.  They got to the hospital around noon, I was relieved to have someone there to distract me. 
The night before my mother and I were both sent emails/text messages from amazing friends who offered to help pay for a hotel room for us.  There are so many people in this world that have horrible, sad things going on in there life.  Why do people care so much about me?  I don't deserve this. I am at a loss for words from all the support we have been given.  After talking to my husband about it though and realizing how hard last night was when the kids had to leave the hospital we decided it was an expense we just needed to figure out how to pay for.  I needed my kids to be around me.  They make me who I am.  I met with a social worker from the hospital to see what we could do to find us a place close by the hospital.  She told us about the Ronald Mcdonald house and that it was affordable.  We just had to help cook and clean but our kids could stay with us. 

That sounds great, lets do it.  "Well there is a waiting list so you probably wont get in tonight.  Oh,  you live in Eagle Mountain?  You probably don't qualify" She went to check just in-case so I left to take a hot shower.

Hot showers make everything better.  Pressing my head and arms against the wall, breathing in the steam, letting the scolding hot water drip down my back.  There is something so calming about showers that just make you forget everything else in the world.  I hear a knock on the door and my vacation away from my brain is interrupted.  It was my sister.   The case worker came back and there was one room available.  She told us that this never happens to be able to get in right away and have a room big enough for our family.  We had to call and accept right away.  We load up the room and wait for my discharge papers.  I get to leave this hospital!!  I get to be with my children.  I get to sleep in the same bed as my husband!  All of these things i have taken for granted for the last 4 years of my life.  Words cant describe how excited I am.

Mike and I head over to the Ronald Mcdonald home while my mother takes my children to get some dinner.  After filling out pages of paperwork, agreeing that we will help with cooking and cleaning, that we have no diseases, and that we will spend time with other families that are staying there we go back to get our room key.  No such luck.  They reserved us in a room that can only hold 3 people and have strict rules about not letting anyone sleep on the floor.   I squeeze Mikes hand not knowing what we are going to do.  I cant go back to the hospital and say just kidding could you re admit me?  I cant go home, I live too far away.  What are we going to do?  Good thing I took that Dave Ramsey class and paid off our credit cards.  Time to fill them back up again.  But then the staff tells me that it was their fault not ours so they will put us up in a hotel for the night and we will try to  get a room there tommorrow.  I loosen my death grip on Mikes hand.  Ok, we have a plan for tonight.  We've been living on plans of 1 day at a time.  Whats one more day?  She sends us to the Hampton Inn by the hospital. 

This hotel is so nice.  I dont want to leave now.  There is no smell of hosptial.  No sick people around me reminding me of my new reality.  Just my husband my kids and me, all cuddling in one bed.  So happy to just be together.  Mike took the kids swimming tonight, and for 2 hours, I forgot about all of our stress. I watched my kids play with there cousins splashing, playing loving life. I held my belly and for the first time in a week, I felt Capri moving freely around. Kicking, rolling, playing.  Maybe her stress was because I was stressed.  Its been 4 hours now and she hasnt stopped moving.  Never in my life have i been so excited to be kicked in the stomach.  With every move my stress melts away.  If even for only a few days, I can pretend like everything is normal again.  I want to freeze time tonight and stay here forever.