More tests today. Same as always, Capri's heart cant pass the stress test. I don't know why they make me keep doing it.. she never passes. Her BPP took her a little over 30 minutes so i don't think that technically she should have gotten the full 8 points but I also didn't really like the ultra sound tech. I think part of the problem was her.
Afterwards I had an old high school friend come and visit. People have asked me if it is hard to have other babies around me. Seeing other parents happy, with healthy babies makes me anything but upset. Why would there good fortune make me angry? I would not wish the feelings we have had to deal with on my worst enemy. As long as the moms let me hold and cuddle their little ones then I want to be surrounded by them. Babies make everything better.
My brother and sister in law had a little boy 3 weeks ago. We went through all of the pregnancy struggles together. Suffering through the awful parts, dreaming about our "boys" (I was sure Capri was gonna be a boy) being best friends as they grew up together. Playing sports together. Watching our different parenting styles and seeing how the two of them differed. I couldn't wait to have play dates and watch them reach all of there milestones together. Now we get to watch baby K reach all of his milestones, go to all of his t-ball games and someday tell him about his cousin Capri. His cousin that he never got to meet. I hope that Capri will get to be in our lives long enough that we will get to take her home and take pictures of baby C and baby K together. That we will still get to have some memories of the two of them.
Playing with my friends twins it made me think of the life span of Capri. If she dies right away we will never get to spend time with her and show her how much we love her. If she gets to live a month we can. But my little nephew is almost a month old and i look at his parents and how in love they are with him and how he has already changed there entire lives. Is it going to be even harder to say goodbye after we grow that connection with her. Then i looked at the twins. What if she makes it to 7 months? look at their personalities, look at all of the milestones they have already reached. I would LOVE to get 7 months with my baby but again, how much harder is that going to be? what about 2 years old? what about 7? The cardiologist said she has seen a few extreme cases lasting until teenagers. A and B are my whole world. Losing them would be more than I could handle. 10 more years of getting to know them.. I dont know how parents do it. I dont know how i would be able to live a normal life afterwards.
These are the things that i try to push deep down inside me and not think about because it starts a viscous spiral of "what ifs" and each time i go there it gets harder and harder to come out