Thursday, January 16, 2014

please wake up

This morning they closed up Capris chest before we arrived at the hospital.  Her heart is SO much smaller now and when you listen to it, it sounds like a different heart.  The Dr was listening and asked his residents to listen and hear the difference, then asked if I wanted to hear.  I told him yes but my stethoscope was in my diaper bag in the waiting room so could I use his?  He laughed and said you know you have a heart kid when a staple in your diaper bag is a stethoscope.  She is doing so good.  Her SATS are 100% her blood pressure is 85/55 heart rate 120s, everything looks great!  They talked about trying to take her off of her breathing tube tomorrow once the sedation wore off.  All day we have been waiting for the sedation to wear off but nothing is happening.  I've kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear.  Sang her songs and held her hand.  She has been off the paralitic for 30 hours now and she still hasn't moved.  I'm scared.  What if being shocked so many times and being on so many medications have done something to her brain?  What if she never wakes up?  We already did all of the hard stuff.  She made it through open heart surgery, why cant she wake up?  Please baby wake up.  Just do something, squeeze my finger.  Open an eye, something.  Let me know that you are still in there. Show me that you are okay.

Today is the last day my mother in law will be here.  She flys home tomorrow and everyone flys home on Sunday.  Then its just me and Capri.  I have never been away from A and B for this long.  I have no idea how long "this" is going to be.  Will I be here for 2 more weeks?  a month?  Being in this unknown is so difficult.  I just want someone to tell me "she will wake up on this day at this time,  we will take the tubes out on this day, she can eat on this day then you can go home on this day"  Why cant hospitals work like that?  Why don't they know all the answers?  This event has been a true test of my patience.  I hope tomorrow we will have more answers.  At least with the sedation.  I need to know that she is okay.
                Baby girl I miss this smiley face who is constantly moving and playing.  Please wake up..