Wednesday, January 22, 2014

1 step forward 3 steps back

Good days and Bad days.
                                                  It takes time to heal.
                                                                                           Good things are worth the wait.
 People keep telling me these things but im starting to wonder when our little one is going to catch a break.

I walked into the ICU this morning with my coffee in hand ready to have a great day cuddling with my baby.  Unfortunatly i was stopped at the door by the doctor who told me I couldn't go in the room.  Capri had a rough morning and quit breathing.  She turned blue and after several attempts of bagging her and trying to get her to breathe on her own they finally had to put the breathing tube back in.

I could feel my chest get tight and it got hard to breathe.  Is she okay?  Did you have to perform CPR? Why cant she breathe? After what felt like an eternity they let me in the room so i could see her. She was paralyzed but her eyes were open.  They were darting back and forth looking at everyone in the room but her body was still.  How scary must this be for her.  She can hear and see whats going on but she cant cry or move to let people know how she feels.  More doctors came into the room to do an echo and told me to be prepared that we may need to take her back to the OR.  Everything checked out ok though and they finally decided it was just because she had a lot of secretions in her lungs and it just closed off her airway.

I walked around the hospital a lot today.  i couldn't catch my breath.  I know that she is okay and that set backs happen but seeing her looking around today not able to move just broke my heart.  I want to help her and comfort her and tell her that its going to be okay.  i want to hold her and kiss her and make her feel better.  All i can do though is hold her hand and talk.  I have no idea if she is coherent enough to even know that its my voice but its all i have left.  The very little control i have is being able to sing to her and let her know i am by her side.