Sunday, February 2, 2014

We gave it all we had

We  gave it a good try.  We did everything we could to open up Baby Cs lungs but it just wasn't in the cards.  She's not ready and everyday we keep the breathing tube in we increase the risk of something happening to her vocal cords.  My nurse was pretty blunt with me today as i was having one of my breakdowns while discussing the trachea.  She said "i was here the day she went blue and quit breathing.  We rushed to get that tube in and for a second I didn't know if there was going to be a baby for you to see when you got here.  We almost lost her.  Going home with a trachea sucks and its not what we want and we tried but at least you will be going home with a baby" She put things into perspective for me and she's right.  We will get through this.  We will learn how to use a trachea at home.  Surgery will be sometime on Tuesday.  Once they have it in she will need to stay in Minnesota for the next week or 2.  Once they know she is stable they will lifeflight her back to Salt lake where she will stay at primary childrens hospital for another month or so.  This is our new life.  Its far from perfect and we have had a lot of bumps in the road but we are getting there.  Eventually things will start going our way but until then we will keep on keepin on.

I miss my kids and husband SOO much.  Everyday i Skype the kids it gets harder and harder.  I can see in B's face that she is struggling.  She wants her mom their at night.  I cant sleep at night because it is so quite.  I miss A crawling into bed in the middle of the night to cuddle.  I miss C crying, needing to be fed.  I miss giving baths and reading stories at bedtime.  I miss being a mom.  Its been 4 weeks since we have been in the hospital (3 weeks at mayo) Tuesday will be one month.  I cant believe its only been a month.  i feel like we have been here for ever.  Im ready to go home.