Sunday, January 12, 2014

last day in SLC

Today has been a wave of emotions.  Seeing Capri lying on that bed, barely moving, swollen and uncomfortable tears at my heart.  I want to help her.  I want to hold her.  I cant do any of that right now, all i can do is sit helpless by herside and hold her hand.   This morning they had to take Capri off of her beta blocker.  That is what keeps her from going into SVT.  It also lowers her blood pressure though and today it became dangerously low.  We knew we were risking putting her back into SVT but there really wasnt another option.  her blood pressure was 30/15. That afternoon my wonderful best friend who has been here with me through everything, every emergency room trip, taking A and B last minute when they were sick and no one else would watch them so i could go to the hospital, driving back and forth to my house to pick things i forgot came to the hospital to visit Capri.   I couldnt do this without chelsy.  She helps make my life normal when it is anything but.  After a few minutes of her getting there Capri went into SVT.  They grabbed a bag of ice and put it over Capris face.  10 seconds later the nurse took it off and nothing.  Capri is so sedated she kicked her legs a bit but that was all the fight she had in her.  He suffocated her again and nothing.  I watched Chelsys eyes get big and look around wondering why in the world you would do this.   When that didnt work they placed the pacer through her nose and into her esophagus.  they shocked her once, then again, then again and again.  Nothing.  They started ordering things STAT.  EKG, ultra sound to make sure they were where they wlkere supposed to be. Blood gases ect.   We got pushed out of the room so they could quickly get what they needed.  I took her to the parent room so i could take a breath and try to stay calm.
when we came back everyone was gowning up which means the room needs to be sterile and I cant go back in.  They needed to place a second central line to monitor her blood pressure continuosly. Her veins have been poked so many times it is so hard to find a good one.  it took close to 30 minutes before they finally had it in.  Capri was going into an hour of being in SVT.  I am so grateful Chelsy was there to distract me and help keep me calm.  By the time they had gotten her back into a regular rythym they had shocked her over 12 times.  They sedated and paralized her so she wouldnt feel anything.  I dont know how she is still going.. in less then a week she has been shocked over 20 times.

Tonight I am packing and getting ready for the lifeflight.  I have no idea if i will be in minnesota for 3 weeks or 3 months.  How do you pack for that?  what do you bring?  what do i bring for her?  I am sick to my stomach.  I feel like someone is pushing on my chest and I cant breathe.  I cant believe we are here.  Its time.  Did i hold her enough?  Kiss her enough ?  Does she know how much we love her?  If we only get our baby for 6 months did we make those 6 months the best they could have been?  All of these questions are racing around in my head and im getting overwhelmed.  But i remind myself that whatever is going to happen is going to happen, whether i pray to a GOD to buddah to the moon and stars or rub special rocks.  Her destiny has already been decided now its in the doctors hands and all i can do is be there to hold her hand and make sure she doesnt feel alone.  I love this little girl so much!  She has to make it.   She has to be strong and get through this surgery.  I cant imagine this life without her.  Please little one hold on for a few more days.