Tuesday, January 21, 2014

a sigh of relief

Yesterday was a hard day.  We took Capris breathing tube out which was amazing but we spent the rest of the day watching her struggle to breathe.  Seeing your baby gasp for breaths is one of the hardest things i have ever done.  Her chest would suck in and then would wheeze as she exhaled.  Her SATS where all over the place and she cried all day in pain.  Her blood pressure had spiked through the roof because of the pain and her blood levels were way to low so she had to have a blood transfusion.  It just seemed like it was one thing after another and she couldnt catch a break. At the end of the day they told me her chest tube was leaking a milky white substance that meant she most likely was knicked at some point during the surgery and would need to stay in the hospital for another few weeks to try and fix it without having to re open her chest.  I watched how nervous our nurse was and how she would smile when she saw me looking at her trying to act like things were okay.

This morning when we got to the hospital she had a geniune smile and said that Capri was doing much better.  She was stable.  She said she woke up this morning in a panic wondering if Capri was okay.  Thats how you know you have an amazing nurse.  Someone who truly cares about your baby.  I spent the night in a fog wondering when we were going to have good news.  Why does she have to struggle so much?  why cant she just be okay?

Most of the morning was spent doing tests, xrays and trying to get her lung to re-inflate.  Mike and I walked around the hospital so i would be more comfortable here after he leaves.  I found this amazing meditation room with a fountain in the middle.  It was so peaceful and warm and quite.  I could breathe in there.  I think i will spend time in there everyday to help relax. This afternoon I got to hold Capri.  She fell asleep as soon as our nurse placed her in my arms and stayed asleep for 2 hours.  This is the longest she has slept since we have taken her off the sedation medication.  She is healing.  She is getting better.  Slowly but surely she is going to be okay.  Her swelling is going down a little more everyday, her breathing is more regular and she only cries when she is hungry.

Tonight is the last night that Mike is with me.  Tomorrow he has to go home and get back to his normal life.  His work has been so amazing letting him take a week and a half off to be with us and help take care of his daughter.  Im going to miss him so much.  Everything is easier when he is around.  He can always find the positive in any situation.  When i get into my fog and feel like there is no getting out he holds my hand and reminds me of the positive things and that things are going to be okay.  I cant wait until we are all home back under one roof arguing about which show to watch before bedtime!