Sunday, January 26, 2014

i choose to be okay

I got in the cab this morning to head to the hospital and had a very unhappy cabee.  He started the ride off by telling me how upset he was that he had to come pick me up and that his boss was making him come just to piss him off.  Then he told me today was supposed to be his day off and that he was hungover as f***... hmmmm well buddy let me tell ya, i am just as unhappy that you were the one to pick me up :)
It did start my day off with a laugh though which was nice.  I haven't laughed since mike left.  When I got to the room  the blood doctor was in looking over capris scans.  He told me that they were trying to find the right treatment because she was tricky.  Both her venous artery and her artillery system had clots.   the venous artery takes blood back to the heart and if the clot breaks off it could go to the heart and get stuck or go into her lungs and cause a pulmonary embolism which could be fatal.  The artillery vein brings blood down to her foot and it has been grey cool to the touch and difficult to find a pulse since surgery which worse case they could have to amputate it.  Those are both worse case scenarios though and putting her on blood thinners will hopefully avoid both of those things.  The tricky part about using blood thinners though is she just had major open heart surgery and her blood ids to clo around the suchers to heal the tricuspid valves.  If the medicine eats away at those clots it could cause internal bleeding.  So what do you we do?  Neither option is a good one.  We ended up deciding the best route is to slowly increase her blood thinner and draw blood every few hours to make sure there wasn't to much in her system.  The bad side of drawing blood that often is her body cant make enough to replenish what we are taking out so she will need to have blood transfusions every few days.

Capri also started going back into SVT today.  She has had 3 episodes but we were able to convert her without using medicine so the hope is that she will be controlled with medication and will be able to stay out of the hospital once we get back to utah.

On a good note her X-rays looked great today.  the left lung has re-inflated and the right lung is starting to open up!  We want to keep her on the breathing machine for a few more days to make sure she is ready and then will transition her to the CPAP and then eventually to a cannula and then room air.  Hopefully taking things slowly will give us a better result and we will be closer to coming home.

I have hope today.  Hope that things are going to be okay.  Yesterday I didn't know if i was ever going to get to bring my baby home.  I couldn't get the thought out of my head that what if Mike and the kids never see Capri alive again?  How can we do this?  I had thoughts flood my head of how do I get on the plane and go home alone?  How am i going to pack up all of her things and not bring her with me.  So many feelings that i try to push down deep inside surfaced yesterday and i couldn't push them away.    I came back to the hotel talked to A and B and drifted off into my medicaided sleep :) When I woke up i decided that i wasn't going to get bogged down with the scary what ifs.  I will take it day by day, flood Facebook with lots of pictures and be happy.  Whatever is going to happen is going to happen regardless if i am happy sad or in between so i choose to be happy.  I choose to believe that everything is going to be alright and that i will be strong enough to be away from the rest of my family and that A and B will someday understand why i had to stay here and not be with them.