Friday, January 10, 2014

Is this a dream? please let it be a dream

Saturday night Capris heart decided she had had enough.  she went in and out of SVT throughout the night and into the next morning.  After struggling to correct her with ice, we decided it was time to go to the emergency room.  Mike stayed with A and B while I took Capri to primarys.  After checking for illnesses we determined that her new heart med wasnt working and we needed to try another.  They admitted her to the CSU and we settled in for the night.

Over the next few days we tried the new med and seemed to be having success.  she had a few small episodes but was able to correct them with ice or on her own.  By Wednesday they were comfortable with letting us go home.  We spent the morning talking with insurance, signing paperwork and waiting for pharmacy to fill the new meds.  20 minutes before we were ready to leave Capri went into SVT.  Right as it happened Dr. Pilcher was walking by so i grabbed him and asked what we should do.  After about 20 minutes she didnt come out of it on her own so we used ice.  then we used ice again. then again.  Nothing.  They brought up the heart medication that stops her heart for a second and then restarts at a regular rate.  small dose.. nothing.  medium dose.. nothing.. large dose.. nothing. 

We were ready to go home and now we are headed to the Cardiac ICU.  This exact thing happened last month. I feel like i am reliving december, what is going on?? We rushed to the ICU and gave her one more dose of adenosine.  This time a very large dose.  One they were worried may stop her heart for too long, yet.. nothing.  This medicine doesnt even touch her.  The only thing left is to shock her.  I have never been here for this, I dont know if I am strong enough to stay.  Then I look at this poor helpless baby.  Scared and crying and all of these strange people rushing around her.  I cant leave her.  As hard as it is for me to watch, she is going through this.  She is a tiny baby going through more than most adults ever go through.  So i held her hand and told her it was going to be okay.

A flood of doctors, nurses and respitory therapists rushed in and out of the room, placing the shock pads turning on high flow oxygen to help her breathe, giving her medication to help with the pain and help her to not remember anything.  After what seemed like an eternity they were finally ready.  Machine on, charging to 3.. clear... we all backed away as the doctor pushed the button.  I watched her chest get tight and then lift off the bed as her arms flew to the side.  I heard her scream and saw the tears stream down her face.  we all rushed back to the bed I kissed her head and told her it was going to be okay then turned and buried my head into the techs shoulder standing next to me.  He rubbed my back and told me it was going to be okay.  (I thanked him later for being my fill in husband)  It worked and she was okay.  I looked up at the monitor to see her heart rate slowing down and her oxygen rising.  It was over.  She was okay.

An hour later as we were settling into the room Mike had arrived and things were starting to be okay again.  Then I saw her heart rate rise.  110..120..130. damnitt she is in SVT again.  but then it kept rising... 150..170...200..220.  Her heart has never beat this fast.  She goes into SVT at 130, she is unique. At 220 i could litterly see her heart beating out of her chest. it was pushing her chest up and down so fast it was unreal. Doctors swarmed into her room again.  Replacing the shock pads they didnt even want to mess with the meds.  We know they dont work. Machine on.. charging to 3.. clear .. I turned away and heard the thud. Tears in my eyes i came back to her bed to hold her hand.  Nothing.. it didnt work.  Re charging.. higher voltage.. clear... nothing.  Again.. and again.  Capri stopped breathing.  The respitory therapist pushed her jaw forward and tipped her head back. still nothing.  She bagged and started giving her manual breaths.  After the longest 5 seconds of my life she opened her mouth and took a breath.  She was okay but still in SVT.  They put an IV med in to slow her heart and let her rest to recover.  Ten minutes later she was stable so they shocked her again.  I turned to see Mike sitting in the corner away from everything.  His eyes were red and he was looking at the ceiling.  This is to hard.  Everything was fine 4 hours ago. what happened??? Finally she went into a normal rythym and fell asleep.

Once she was stable Mike and I decided to run to the cafeteria and get a quick bite to eat.  We walked to the front of the hospital and discussed what we did from there.  Capri needed someone to stay with her she was to unstable.  A and B just started back at preschool though and had school the next day.  I hate feeling like i am putting them on the backburner.  I dont want them to feel like Capri is the only one that matters.  They need to know they are just as important.  We decided Mike would stay and take the morning off to stay with Capri and I would take the kids home that night and to school in the morning.  I took a few bites of my sandwich but couldnt eat anymore.  I wanted to be with Capri.  I left Mike to finish eating and went back to the CICU.
 As I walked into her wing I saw our cardiologist walking towards me, her smile faded and she mouthed "im sorry".  NOT AGAIN.  please not again, she cant handle this.  Her heart cant take it anymore.  I went into the room and she was at 200 again.  We pumped up her meds, and got a bag of ice.  I covered her face and counted to 10.  This is still just as hard as the first day I did it.  watching her struggle and kick to try and get away from me.  I am hurting her, she cant breathe.  after 10 seconds nothing changed.  The doctor tried with ice, nothing.  We tried using the meds to stop her heart, nothing. We have to shock her.  This is the 8th time she has been shocked in 7 hours.  My babies heart is going to give out.  Fortunately after the first attempt it kicked her into a good rhythm and she was ok.  she drifted off to sleep with the help of sedatives and slept through the night.  There was no way I could leave the hosptial so we got a sleep room and cuddled up in a twin bed for a sleepless night.