Saturday, August 24, 2013

this isnt a dream, am I really strong enough?

This morning as I was getting ready I had the tv on in the background.  I heard someone singing and looked up to see what I was watching.  It was an episode of greys anatomy where one of the main characters who is pregnant gets into a car accident and they think she is going to lose her baby.
Rewind 46 days ago; the day after Capri was born.  Our photographer from now I lay me down to sleep had asked us to look up some songs that we would like to have on our birth story.  The first thing that came to my mind was that Greys episode.  I remember searching you tube all morning trying to find it so I could give her some of those songs.

As I sat on my floor I felt like a ton of bricks just fell on top of me.  My mind flooded with memories of being in labor, trying to have normal conversations but being scared out of my mind.  Capri being born and then whisked away before I could hold her.  Laying in my bed watching all of my family and friends around me but not being able to hear anything they said.  Everyone crying.  As these memories came back my chest got tight.  I started crying and couldn't stop.  All of the sudden everything was real.  I have been in auto pilot for the last 2 months just doing what I needed to do to get by.  In a blink of an eye everything became real.  It all hit me at once.  Ashton came running into my room, laid his head on my lap and asked me if I was ok, then if i was crying happy or sad tears. All I could say was "I don't know".  He looked up at the tv show and told me it was okay, the show wasn't real, it was just pretend. 

I couldn't make my brain stop.  I started thinking about our future.  We wanted to take the kids on a Disney cruise in 2 years, we cant do that now.  If we take Capri what happens if she has a medical emergency?  Cruises are not equipped to handle something like that.  If we left her at home and heaven forbid she passed away, no one could get a hold of us.  And if they did get ahold of us, what would we do?  We would be in the middle of the ocean.  Taking the kids to preschool, how am I going to help 2 kids get to class while holding a carseat, an oxygen tank and feeding pack.  When Mike goes on business trips how do I go to the store to get groceries?  Getting away for a date, how can I put that kind of pressure on any of my friends or family to watch her?  What do I do while Im driving, what if her oxygen gets to low and I don't know because her carseat is facing away from me.  It wouldn't stop.. I felt like I was drowning.  I sat down to meditate and clear my head.  After my panic attack was over Mike and I went into town to spend a night in park city to celebrate my best friends birthday.

We stopped by the hospital just to check in on Capri and make sure everything was okay.  When I got to our room I asked the nurse what i needed to look for on my other children to make sure they havent gotten MRSA from Capri.  Before I could even get the sentence out I started crying.  I haven't done this in several weeks, what is wrong with me?  I couldn't talk to the nurse and finally had to put Capri back in her bed to calm myself down.  Is this what my life is going to be like from now on?  Will I always have these panic attacks?  I don't know if I can handle this.  I don't know if I am strong enough.

Now we are in Park city and had a wonderful night with our friends.  From having a glass of wine at a pub, to walking down to a steak house for dinner, to realizing that steak house was way to expensive and we couldn't afford it, leaving the restaurant with the walk of shame because everyone in there knew why we were leaving and back up to the pub for a dinner that was more our style (and price).  It will make for a great story though!  I am so lucky to have such an amazing best friend who has been by my side through every good and bad part of my adult life.  I cant imagine doing this without her.