Monday, August 26, 2013

I am breaking

I am back in my haze.  Not wanting to talk to anyone, or look anyone in the eye.  I want to lay in bed all day and just sleep.  I don't understand why I am back at this point.  I hate this feeling.  Im not sure what is worse, knowing that you are depressed but not knowing how to get out of it or being completely oblivious that something is wrong.  I have been asking other heart moms how they dealt with being in the NICU and emotions and home life.  I had several people tell me that I can have PTSD.  That is for people who have been in a war though, someone who has seen something traumatic .. not someone who has a sick baby, right?  I found a test on the mayo clinics website to see if I possibly had it.  0-3 you didn't 4-10 you could have PTSD and 10+ you did have PTSD.  I scored a 19.   Reading those questions made me feel better.  It asked if I had good days and then days where I couldn't get up.  If I suddenly yelled at people or cried out of no where for no particular reason.  If i kept replaying the trauma in my head.  I guess you can have PTSD with any form of trauma, even if the outcome ends up being good.
We got home from park city around 3 yesterday, I came up to my room, cuddled up to Baylee for the 20 minutes she would stay with me, and didn't get out of bed until the next morning.  I laid here watching the kids play outside, listening to Mike talk to the neighbors.  I knew I should get up and go be with them, or make dinner, or clean my house.  I didn't want to stand up though, when I talk I cry and I don't want to cry anymore.  So instead i cuddled up with one of Capris blankets, laid my head on my pillow and looked through pictures of her until I fell asleep.  I know Mike wants to help but he doesn't know what to do.  I can see in his eyes that he wants to say something, that he wants me to be normal again.  But he cant find the words so he leaves me be and goes back to play with the kids.  Before we fell asleep I told him that I needed to see a therapist.  That this has gotten to hard for me and I am breaking.  I have tried to be strong, to hold everyone together but I am falling apart.  Im not strong like people think.  I have used all the strength I have so I am checking out.  I need to talk to someone to help me get back to the coping phase.  Friends and family cant do that.  I can talk to them and tell them that things are hard but its not the same.

I have thought all day about this blog.  Trying to decide if I should share this with the world.  I have been depressed before but it was easy to hide.  No one needed to know because it didn't affect them.  But I have watched people very close to me struggle with a lot of the same things I am going through.  For me, reading other stories helps me realize I am not alone.  That it is okay to struggle the way I am.  So after a lot of careful consideration I have decided to share my story with the world.  The good and the bad.  To maybe help someone else see a therapist, or talk to a doctor about medication.  To know that its okay.