Friday, August 2, 2013

How can i protect you?

Today Capri drank 15ccs from a bottle in one sitting!  I realize that that is not very much but its more than she has ever done.  the next feeding was 12ccs and the last was 10.  She is getting there. Slowly, but we are getting there. They kept her at 27ccs today but will hopefully start going up again tomorrow.  Mike and I got to give her a bath today.  I held her as Mike washed her hair then the nurse and I gave the rest of her body a sponge bath.  The poor thing was freezing, I felt so bad for her.  I cant wait until we can get all of the tubes and picc line out of her so she can have a real bath.

A came back to see her 15 minutes before visitors have to go home.  He usually wants to say hi, sing her a song and leave so that is more than enough time.  Today though he just wanted to hold and snuggle her.  He laid his head down on the chair next to hers and asked if he could just hold her and spend the night there tonight.  He said "this chair is kinda hard on my head but comfortable cause im with my sister.  He kept kissing her head and telling her how much he loved and missed her.  At 9 I told him we had to go because only parents are allowed late at night.  Tears fell from his face and he held Capri tighter.  He said he didn't want to leave her all alone and begged me to stay.  I let him hold her for another few minutes then put her in the crib and told him we had to go.  After i tucked her in i picked him up so he could see her and tell her goodnight, tears still falling and a quiet cry the nurse came over and asked him if he was okay.  He looked into her eyes and said "I just want my baby sister Capri to come home. I just really miss her"  I looked at the nurse and her eyes were wet.  I looked at the mom next to me who was listening and she was crying as well.  Everyone in that room feels the same way.  We just want our babies to come home.  It took him about 15 minutes to stop crying and be okay.  It was the worst kind of tears, the silent whimper.  You could see the pain in his eyes.  he is too young to have to deal with this kind of pain.  I want to protect him from all of this.  Thats what moms do, they protect there children.  I am failing and there is nothing i can do to make it better.  It breaks my heart.