Thursday, June 27, 2013

putting a percentage on life

My husband finally got to the hospital around 11pm Wednesday night. after a much needed hug we laid, cried and talked about our new reality. 
Where do we want our family to be buried?
Is our life insurance policy up to date?
How are we going to be able to afford a burial plot?
At 27 years old these are question that never in my I thought I would be asking myself.  How do you answer those questions? How do we decide where to lay our precious baby down for eternity.

5am I hear a knock on the door. the head of  our neo natal team is here for our first check-up. this is mikes first time being able to talk with a Dr. Her first question was what can I answer for you? what can I make easier.  I asked .. more like pleaded with her to give me some positive news. some sort of hope that I could hang on to.  Her response: Ya know, in your situation that is really tough. The positive thing in this is that we found out early so you have some time to cope and prepare yourselves for what is to come.
That is not what I was looking for. That does not help. There has to be some hope, right?

11am. our next dr comes in for a visit. Her job was to discuss our reality.  How hard do we want to try.  is all of this necessary, me staying in the hospital, getting tests everyday, shots to hopefully increase lung function. Or do we want to just go home and see what happens. Here are my percentages: 
45% baby dies in utero.
95% chance baby dies within the first hour of being born
5% chance baby makes it and has lots of medical help
Im trying to be positive I really am, but how do you be positive with those stats?  If this baby has any lung function we will do everything possible to fight.  He or she is going to make it! they just have to.

2pm. My beautiful wonderful 2 and 4 year old come to visit. they jump up on the wheelchair cuddle up close and go for a ride.. Those two make everything okay.  No matter what happens I have my babies A and B. they will keep me together. As A was cuddling with me he looked up with a very sad look and asked "Mom, are you coming home yet" no baby, mommy is going to be in the hospital for awhile, but you can come and visit me every single day.  "mommy, I don't want you to be sick, I don't want you to die. please get better so you can come home".  My 4 year old thinks his mommy is dying?? How do I do this? how do I comfort him without worrying him more??  I assured him that mommy was fine and just need to be in the hospital to stay safe.  He hasn't asked about baby c yet. we need to have a plan and know how to handle that when it comes.  I am so lost in this department.

We are meeting with a social worker tomorrow morning from the Angel foundation.  They will hopefully be able to guide us in the right way to tackle this conversation. I just don't want my kids to worry.  They are to young to have to deal with a loss of a sibling. Baby C, please be strong for us. Grow those lungs and breathe. Just breathe. everything else we can figure out. we can deal with. You have to breathe though.  You just have too.