Friday, June 28, 2013

explaining death to a 4 year old

Friday June 28th.

Since being in the hospital, waking up at 430 is my new normal. As the nurse comes in to check our sweet baby my mind fills up with thoughts and going back to sleep is impossible.  Today is a going to be a good day today. Today we find out the sex of the baby.

We have two other wonderful children. A boy, and a girl. With baby number 3 we decided we wanted it to be a surprise. We wanted that moment of the second he or she comes out we hear the doctor say "congratulations! its a ..." Well in the last 2 days our reality has changed.  The birth has changed from a joyous exciting moment of finding out the sex to a terrifying hold your breath kind of moment waiting to see if he or she has lungs.  Waiting to see if baby c can breathe.   With this news Mike and I decided we still wanted that exciting moment of finding out the sex so today is the day. we are finding out during one of the many tests.

8am comes and my chariot arrives (wheelchair.. I'm not allowed to walk anywhere) Time for the ultra sound. We have the same amazing ultra sound tech I had the first day. The one who explains everything.  She said she needed to check placenta and levels of things first then we would get  to the fun stuff.  Squeezing Mikes hand wondering if i should be this excited. He or she may only be a he or she for a few hours.. NO.. hold on to the hope. Be optimistic.  "Here is the heart, here is the stomach, here are the knees, here is the... IT's A GIRL!   Mike and i both looked at each other shocked. We have been calling her a him for so long. . There was no doubt in my mind that this munchkin was a boy. Mike asked her to double check :)
Turns out.. girls are better fighters then boys.  Girls lungs develop faster than boys. Girls ARE better :)  Little Miss Capri Diane Ware. You are a fighter Capri.. we can do this.

My day was filled with visitors from my wonderful family who drove 11 hours just to be here to sit with me in the hospital and wait to my amazing coworkers who brought me lunch and a gift basket. My brother and sister in law who brought there 3 week baby for me to hold and smell and cherish for even just a minute. My father in law and his girlfriend. My two amazing children. My other brother in law.  Being surrounded by all of the love and support has made this journey so much easier. As each one of you read this blog, email, write on my facebook or send me texts you brighten my day.  You make things just a little bit easier. 

Tonight is the night we talk to our 4 year old about what is going on with his sister. I feel like im ready, we can do this
We took him on a walk to primary childrens. Just him his dad and his mom.  We found a nice quite room and had him pick out his favorite chair.
Mom: So why do you think mommy is in the hospital?
A: because you are sick
Mom: well i have a cough but im not sick enough to be in the hospital. But someone is sick and thats why we are here.  Your baby sister is sick.  Very sick.  We need the doctors to watch her and make sure we try and keep her safe.  Do you know what happens when you are sick?
A: yea.. sometimes you burp. or puke. or you have to have a cough drop
Mom: yup, all of those things can happen. What about when your really sick? what happens then?
A: You die??
Mom: well yes, that can happen. Sometimes you have to go to heaven. And Your sister might go to heaven. Or she might need medicine or she might need surgery
A: Surgery?? but that will hurt her! shell have blood and guts.
Mom: yup, and that's why she has to stay at this special kids hospital.  Your baby sister is not going to get to come home with us for a long time.  She is going to need the doctors there to help her so she doesnt hurt. But we can visit her everyday and draw her pictures and do lots of stuff to help her to feel better.
A: like use our quiet voice and not be loud?
Mom: exactly.  Do you have any questions
A; yea, can we go to the play room now?

That went pretty well.  He understands the basics. He knows that mommy is okay and is not dying.  He knows that baby Capri is sick.  We used the D word and he was ok..

Afterwards he was extra snuggly and wanting to be close to mom. As he was leaving to go home with grandma he told me "mom i just wish i had a baby in my tummy that was sick so i could stay all night with you at the hospital".  I miss my kids. i miss our simple life with no worries