Thursday, October 24, 2013

life choices

Today I did one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time.  I sent an email to my boss letting her know I have to step down for now.  I LOVE my job.  I teach employees about how to take care of adults with disabilities, how to de escalate situations to avoid confrontations and how to restrain them when you have to.  This is the first job I have ever had that I honestly love every part of it.
That being said, since I have gone back I have done nothing but worry that something will happen to Capri while I am gone.  Mike told me to stick it out and try to see if things got easier.  We need the money and I need the break.
Today As I walked in the front door I saw my mom holding Capri in a panic.  She told me that her color didn't look good and her heart rate was fast.  I brought her into the living room to hook her up to her monitors and listen to her heart beat.  In my head Im telling myself to stay calm, don't make anyone nervous, its okay.  Her heart rate was 190.  The only time i have ever seen it that high was in the NICU and shortly after they had to shock her to get her out of SVT.  I tried to gag her and that didn't work.  I brought her upstairs to put her in a cool bath. Before I did I remembered Dr. Cowley telling us to hold her upside down and let all the blood rush to her head.  When I am doing these maneuvers I feel like I am being an abusive mom.  Who holds an infant upside down by her toes??? I laid her on the bed and went to listen to her heart beat again.  She started throwing up all over her me and my bed.  I turned her to her side but she couldn't clear her throat.  Her eyes got big and she was trying to breathe.  I grabbed the nose syringe and started sucking throw up out of the back of her throat. Finally she gasped and slowly started to breath again.  Grabbing my stethoscope i listened to her heartbeat one more time..89, she's out of it.. she's ok.
If I hadn't been home my mom would have called 911, they possibly would have shocked her heart and who knows what could have happened.  This helped me to decide that where I need to be is home right now.  We will figure out how to pay for bills, I will find a time to get a break and have some adult time.  We will make it work.  Right now, I need to be with my children.  In the grand scheme of things they are what mattters.